Why our words matter and which ones we avoid as parents

Words we are avoiding

We're going to talk about some words that we don't say in our house. And I'm not talking about swear words, or anything like that. You know what I mean? No, stop and be careful. These are the things you say when your kids are trying something new, or doing something dangerous. It's a reflex for us as parents to use these words, but I want to share why we stopped saying them.

Why do our words matter as parents?

Our words matter because they become the inner voice of our children. Our words matter because it sets the tone for how we run our families. And our words become our beliefs which become actions. So changing words is a small, one of the small things we can do that have such a profound and long lasting effect on our parenting and our kids. So today, we're going to dive deep into some words that as a family we actually avoid: no, stop and be careful!

Video - Words to avoid as a parent

Transcript

Why do our words matter as parents, our words matter, because they become the inner voice of our children?

Our words matter because it sets the tone for how we run our families. And our words, become our beliefs which become actions. So changing words is a small, one of the small things we can do that have such a profound and long-lasting effect on our parenting and our kids.

So today, we're going to dive deep into some words that as a family we actually avoid. So I'm Tiffany, I'm your host of the simplifying childhood podcast, and we are going to dive into Episode Eight today. All the show notes are available on the website at some fun childhood.com dot I use forward slash podcast slash eight because this is episode eight.

Words we avoid

No

So the first one I want to start with today that we avoid is no. And I want II. First of all, I use that all the time. I'm sure you do. I do. But we try and avoid it. What we want to avoid with the word no is think about how many times you actually say that to your child in a day. How many times are you telling them? No, they can't have this? No, they can't do that. No, they can't. And it feels like this prison in encaged. Ever? No, I can't do anything. Every time I turn around. Somebody's saying no to me. When am I getting it? Yes? When can I explore? When can I learn? When can I play with that freedom? And we also want “no” to have a real meaning that when I say I mean it, no, you are not having that knife. And you're not wielding it to watch this stuff. That it's a no.

Whereas when we use it all the time it comes diluted because it's this constant. Background noise. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm gonna tune out. She doesn't really mean it and sometimes true. When you say no, and then change your mind, which you can do, you're allowed to change mine. But then think about how many times that watered down the meaning.

The other thing is, it becomes quite a negative cycle for us as parents, but also for our children. So what do we do instead? Does it mean I'm just permissive and let my child do whatever they want? No, I don't, what I do is I set the boundaries, but I do so in a positive way, and focus on what they can do rather than what they can't do.

So instead of taking from them all the time, I'm actually giving them opportunities. The classic example is instead of saying, don't run, say, walking, please, or actually even more powerful walking, thank you, thank you has an assumption that they're going to do it pleases like asking them. So walking, thank you, walking inside, state what they can do, not what they can't do. And also to our brain then hears it might not hear the No, but if you say no running, our brain doesn't even know you might just hear that running. And then they'll keep running.

If you've ever said to your child, no jumping on the couch, and then they keep jumping. Because of what they've heard “jumping”, they might not hear the full sentence. Whereas if you say, sitting on the couch, they hear sitting, they might not hear the full sentence, but what you've given them is what they're allowed to do. So focused on the language rather than saying no focus on what they are allowed to do to set that boundary. If it's something that you just don't want to do, or don't want to give them say if it's something you can give later. Oh, yeah, we can play that game later, when I finish my coffee. We can go to the park, we need to have a variety of foods. You've already had one cupcake, how about we choose something else? Would you like an apple? Or would you like a pear and giving them that? Yeah, it can happen. But it can happen later. Or it can happen under these circumstances? We can play that. Sorry, that was a really poor example. We can play that when we pack up is a better way to say that. And giving them what conditions need to happen to for them to get what they want. And putting it in that positive way. When then do I say no? When it's serious?

When I say no, I want you to Oh, she's serious. She means that pause. Everybody freeze means it. And then so when I also say no, it's not. No darling did a direct and sweet No, put that down? No. And then whatever the action I want them to do. Same goes with stop, which is my next word I was about to use. I'm talking about is it stop and freeze. And that's because whatever you're doing is so dangerous. I need you to pause. And it's the same with no when I say no. Don't run out in the road. I want you to stop. I want it to be urgent. Okay. And sometimes I do say no, don't run out on the road. And sometimes I say no stop freeze and it's a better way to say it.

How to change it?

But don't beat yourself up. If you use it all the time, what I want you to do first is notice how many times you aren't using it in a day, rather than focusing on changing it all the time, how do you know I used to have a stressful that we throw at each other every time we set it, just to bring awareness to how many times we were saying it, and were we saying no to everything? Or were we saying it to those really powerful moments? The other thing that hubby used to do, is he would go no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And stop, stop, stop, stop and keep saying it. And again, that loses power because he's not breathing. And she's just hearing sounds instead of “stop”. Pause, wait, no, pause, wait. Or like I said, saying the thing that you actually want them to do? Usually when he would do that? No, no, no, no, no, it would be pouring milk and it's going to pour everywhere.

And my question to that is, does that matter? and if the answer is yes, then teach how to clean up the mess. Are you saying no to something that doesn't actually matter? Or there's a logical consequence.

Natural Consequences

And a natural consequence that could happen rather than you saying? No. They're going to learn the lesson anyway, through making that mistake. Same with wearing something warm. It's cooler here in Brisbane. I wouldn't call it cold by any means. But it's cooler here in Brisbane. I want my daughter to wear a jacket and I'll say, darling, put a jacket on Share. No jacket, don't want a jacket. All right, it's cold. Now I could argue with her about that. No, you need to wear a jacket, it's cold. Or I'll just pack the jacket in my bag and wait. And she'll tell me. I called. Yeah, I got your jacket. Look at me. And she'll go. Thanks, Ma. Because I've fixed the problem for her. But there is a natural consequence she got cold, she noticed that was cold needed the jacket, she'll learn then over time, I'll pack my jacket.

Stop

So stops another one. When I say nose password segment is “stop”. Now with stop. I want it to pause. Everybody exactly where you are something dangerous is about to happen. Something big is about to happen, you are about to run out on the road, you're about to use the carving knife, whatever it is, and I need you to freeze.

It's not stop playing, stop annoying the dog. Stop, whatever it is stop this is urgent. So only use stop when it's urgent.

And I usually say stop freeze. And I want frozen with whatever you're doing. Could be boiling water could be chemical, something like that.

Practicing Stop

And we actually practice that as a game and was to run stop phrase and just stop phrase. And then I'd catch up and would play that in the shopping centre. And so when she got too far for me stop freeze. And that was her cue and she'd stop freeze. And now I can use it when she does something else. And she'll freeze because partly because it's a game but to she knows that when I say it, I mean it.

And it must be freeze on the spot. straightaway. It cannot be a stop free stop phrase, or stop to everything, it must be used sparingly, the more sparingly, we use these words more meaning that they have. And to them, the language that we're using is a lot more positive with our children on a more regular basis.

Be Careful

The third word today that I'm going to go through is careful. And the reason I say we try to avoid careful is what, what will happen is the child would do something dangerous, say on a park and you got to be careful, stop, that's gotta be careful.

And there's this panic to add, that then changes the way the child focuses because they're now looking at you rather than looking at their feet doing the dangerous thing.

And they're not focused on themselves or focused on your anxiety that they can clearly hear in your voice when you say that. Whereas what you can say something like:

• notice where your feet are

• you're getting really high

• how are you going to get back down?

One gets them to focus on a thing to do rather than not do and to ask the question to get them thinking about what the consequences gonna be if they keep climbing up, whatever they're climbing, so focusing on their body and bringing the awareness back to them rather than on you.

The other thing is, when we're doing that we're also trying to really control and this comes down to then reflection on your part as a parent control what they do. So if you say I'll be careful, you might spill the milk if you keep pouring that much. Again, back to the Stopstopstop example, does that matter? Can they learn from that fall from making that mess? Are you saying be careful when the fall isn't that bad.

So the example I'm thinking we have a balance beam that's about this far off the ground. And how many will say be careful on that, if my three year old falls off, she's only going to lose her footing. And if it's not near anything dangerous, like she's not going to hit her head on a table or anything, she's just going to fall and lose a footing, it's not that big of a consequence. So interrupting her, doesn't actually make sense. Now, if the baby's on something that big, I might say, notice where your feet are, or depending she's the more adventurous one, I might just go take her off, she's the one who will climb she climbed the other day, right up to the top of the slide. It was above my head, I am only like an metre and a half tall, but it's still above my head, and she had climbed the whole way up the side.

I didn't actually go rescue her because the slide has got the sides. Whereas our one at home on our Pikler triangle doesn't have slide sides. So with that, sometimes I do rescue or I go and sit beside her to catch her when she falls rather than say, be careful, you can't do that she thinks she can. And she proved herself, she got the whole metre and a half high up this slide. And then sat up, turned herself around and went down. And she's 10 months old. And I couldn't stop that. And then that would have damaged her confidence too.

Because every time you say be careful, you say I don't trust you. I don't trust you to make a decision here about your own safety. I don't trust you to pour the milk. I don't believe in your abilities, is what you're subconsciously saying to your child. So instead make that decision. Is it something that you can let them do? I chose the slide was a risk that I was happy to take. You might not and that's okay.

But then how are you going to intervene in a way that still says I trust you? Or gets them to think about it without saying you can't do it? And like with the milk pouring? is the consequence going to be that bad? So for the baby falling from that height? Yeah, the consequences can be that bad. And if the side didn't have sides on it, probably would have gone. “Come on darling, we're really high up, would you like me to help you come down?” and hold her inside her doubt. Whereas because the park because the side had sides, I felt confident and I felt okay with her that you have to make those decisions for yourself.

But the word to avoid that is be careful.

What to do instead of say be careful?

And putting in what you want them to do. So what you want them to observe or what you want them to think about. So words that we try and avoid here is stop. No, and careful. And again, I'm not perfect at it. Parenting is not about perfection. It's not about doing none of these things, ever. Because as I said, there are times and places where that works.

There's also times where I do say be careful. And I'm gonna own that and be honest in that. But the thing is, it's about how often are we doing it?

Are we over using that word or that phrase?

Are we then saying, essentially, I don't trust you to run your day, I'm gonna run it for you. And I need to be in control of everything you do all the time? And is that the message you want for your child?

I can't answer that. But when I'm stressed when I'm tired, those words creep into my vocabulary more because I don't necessarily have the capacity to remember the phrases all the things and that's where having other people around you who can remind you.

Like I said hubby used to remind me, I can really make a difference. Reflect on it.

Think about how many times are you actually using those words? And are they helping or hindering you? And then it's time to change.

And like I said, it's not about getting rid of the words, but reducing it.

So count them have a 10 minute window or you know morning session where you play with your child and count how many times you say those words. Once you've done that, I want you to head over to Instagram Find me and send me a message how many times did you say no to your child? In that morning session today? 120 no shame in it. But I want you to come let me know.

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